Died? Or Passed Away?
Kind communication is key.
In times of amplified emotion, specifically during acute grief, words can be like landmines and a less-is-more approach can beneficial. This is when it is good to practice the adage - we have two ears and one mouth for a reason.
The best way for you to communicate with someone who has lost a loved one is to listen to how they talk about their situation and use similar language to show you hear them and what they are expressing.
If you care about this person, or at the very least don’t wanting to add additional stress, what should matter in this moment is kindness. This means setting aside your own personal beliefs, just for the moment, to give them what they need. Do not use times of raw emotion as an opportunity to share your opinion, do not use this moment to get your point across, instead use this as an opportunity to practice the platinum rule - do unto others as they would want done unto themselves.
This will be repeated in the Field Guide. Over and over again.
In this moment, we are going to use it to cover euphemisms.
A euphemism is defined by Merriam-Webster as the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant.
Some people need them, some people find them irritating. You won’t know which sort of person you are dealing with unless a) you have had discussions around this very topic or b) you hear the words they are using to describe their own situation.
You may ascribe a certain set of values to a certain group of people - perhaps it feels safe to assume that all academics would prefer the use of plain language. That may be true, until it isn’t.
You may have a preference and the other seems foreign to you. I will cover both here, so that you may get a better understanding of the category you do not fall into - and learn why you are giving a gift to someone by using their preferred method of expression.
Do not use Euphemisms
Some people think it is best to use the actual word when talking about something, and that often acts to take away the stigma. As an example, many parents use real words when it comes to teaching their children what they need to know about having a body. In the same way, people wish to use frank language like “my _ died” because they are stating facts that embrace reality.
Using the direct term provides clarity and defines a real event. This is why in the medical field, some Doctor’s are taught the direct approach - being vague can lead to confusion. Here is an amusing article where the author covers various euphemisms that are used in a hospital setting - and even “passed” gets confusing.
There is an argument for using words like death, dying and died to bring this topic back from taboo-status. If we want to get better about how we handle it, we might want to look at the language we use to discuss it. It is in the moments where we are not in acute grief that we can practice using these words - can we make friends with them? Can we let a little air out and make them less scary? The Field Guide intends to try…
In any case, know that when your friend or family member uses these words it is because they are prioritizing a stark clarity - a naming of a thing so that they might come to understand it better.
Use Euphemisms
“And anyone who has ever had someone they love die knows how hard it is to use the word “die,” a small word that stutters off the tongue and out of the mouth and which, once said, can not be softened or ameliorated. When you’re dead, you’re dead. It’s over. It’s enough. It’s ended. “Passed away” offers the hope of something better, or at least something—somewhere—different.” Kristin Iverson, Brooklyn Magazine
We use euphemisms for death for a few reasons:
Personally, we are uncomfortable or even triggered by the frank use of language
We wish to avoid offense, so we use them by default
“Death” is unpleasant. “Died” can be hurtful. They can stomp on the raw nerves of someone who is grieving, and time is no indicator of readiness to hear them in reference to their loved one. We reach for easier terms as a way of being gentle - to ourselves and to others. There is a thought that reality is bad enough; must we make it worse with harsh words? If a person has died, there is no need to say it - we are living it. If we can make one thing a little less painful, why wouldn’t we take the opportunity?
But there is a third reason; sometimes, we do it for the lightness we may find.
Some choose the opportunity to laugh, to find the humor in one of life’s biggest gut-punches. This IG account highlights colorful obituaries where a man may “leave the dance floor on earth” or a woman asserts “her final act of fierce independence”. Here the use of euphemisms honors the person who has died with a quick summary of how they may have wanted to describe their transition. There are worse ways to cope than with a smile…
The most widely used phrase for someone dying is “passed away”. There isn’t much opportunity for confusion, and it conveys what it needs to while also feeling thoughtful and benign. When all else fails, it is a go-to with a very low risk of offense. If you are looking for one thing to say - this is your safest bet.
With that said, remember the platinum rule should really be your guide. A final thought on that…
Recently I came across someone who was processing a loss on social media. They were adamant that people shy away from the term “died” and to instead use “passed away” in regard to a certain type of loss. They suggested that most people they knew suffering a similar loss would agree.
I don’t know if that is factual or not, but I know in that moment a request was being made and the thing to do is to honor it - for that person only.
What I have learned not to do after so many years in death care is take a request and apply it to another person, as was suggested. Instead, I will wait for direction; a clear indication whether a person has a preference, then proceed accordingly.
As for me… Jokotifa will die someday, but I also might roller-skate into the sunset. And if instead I pass away, that’s ok too.
