The Anniversary Effect
A note on anniversaries and holidays
One of the mistakes we make when we think about grief is to assume that it will end. We experience a loss, it is devastating and then a little less so, and then we move through our day with relative ease and are grateful to have made it to the other side.
Until we run face first into the anniversary effect, also known as an anniversary reaction, and the surprise of it knocks us off our feet.
There is so much about grief that we should expect, but because we shy away from it, grief has a tendency to catch us off guard. A mistake even I have made as a professional is to make an assumption about my own tolerance level. While it wasn’t an anniversary but rather in the days right after my aunt died that grief got me, I was surprised to hear myself sobbing as if it was someone else - I had no idea I had that in me. I hear this from the people I work with, how one day they are fine and the next they are a puddle on the floor.
What you may want right now is for me to tell you a way to prevent these feelings, but what I am giving you instead is the gift of awareness - a lesson on treating yourself and others kindly.
I hate saying things are normal when we should know that they are normal, but that is where we are right now - and feeling sad, angry, devastated, depressed or otherwise is a normal reaction to an approaching anniversary.
I am speaking of birthdays, wedding anniversaries, special holidays or other annual events that call your loved one to mind. I should also say this goes for pets, homes, public tragedies or anything else that causes you to feel heartbreak during a certain time of year.
Seasons can trigger this, as well as the anticipation of the anniversary date. You may or may not even be aware that it is creeping up, but your body is - you may feel it before you know it.
When it does come, the only way out is through, but there are things you can do to support yourself during the process.
Here is my best advice for dealing with anniversaries:
Expect the feelings to come up before, during or after a specific date
Don’t fight the feelings, honor them
Mark important dates on your calendar so you have some advance warning
Tell people what you need in those moments (and listen if you are on the other side of this equation)
Treat your body with kindness - move, hydrate, rest, make healthy food choices and find nervous system support like massage
Active Remembrance - use ritual or ceremony to honor your loss. Look through photos, make their favorite meal, set up an ancestor alter or commemorate them with a temporary or permanent memorial. If it makes sense for you, you might even throw a party!
Get professional help if grief is persistent and you are unable to perform normal activities like personal hygiene
In the near future I will expand upon what it means to create and maintain an ancestor alter, but for now I will say that I have one and recommend them. It is important to me to keep my deceased friends and family “alive” in the home, and I do this with photos, memorial items and offerings like food, water and alcohol. It is a handy place to go to during holidays and anniversaries; a place to remember, express gratitude and include a loved one in your day.
Anniversaries are not always easy, but they are a part of living - and to lean into them is one of those things I mean by “living well.” Instead of wishing for a grief-free life, it is more realistic to welcome grief as it comes. In these moments we can ask grief what it might teach us, or how it might shape our human experience…or not ask anything of it at all, just let the wave come and know that it will pass.
And if it is not you but a friend or a loved one that is grieving, instead of judging, take the opportunity to acknowledge their feelings and offer support. This is how we make the world a safer and more loving place, and as with everything, it starts with you…
