Stages of Grief

I am often asked what to do when someone dies. This is what I have gathered over the years…

When the topic of grief comes up, the Kubler-Ross Model is often referenced. For those who don’t know, these are the Five Stages of Grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying.

The model is a handy method of identifying the emotions that may surface when facing the death of someone you love, and it’s easy to quote. While Ms. Kubler-Ross is a hero in the death, dying and grief world, these days we know there is a lot more to it. The five emotions she outlines serve as a starting place to create awareness, but they do not comprise the full spectrum of emotion that you may experience, and you shouldn’t expect them to always be linear.

I would like to share those five emotions and expand upon them, while also forgoing the word “stage” for something more realistic like “state”.

This is good to understand personally, but as you become aware of what grief looks like and how it manifests, you may also be more empathetic to others having their own experience

As you will see, grief is great at masking itself as other things. Rooting out grief and sitting with it is a superpower; doing so means cultivating awareness and making a commitment to accepting its place in your life - as Urgl says in The Neverending Story:

“It has to hurt if it’s to heal”

The five stages are included in Kubler-Ross’s order, with further notes regarding grief for your consideration.

• Denial

  A method of self- preservation; if we deny something is possible, then we feel like it can’t hurt us. When you are in this state, you are not logical and there is a sense that if you just keep moving forward, none of it will be real. It can look like pretending a loss didn’t happen, but it can also manifest as pretending you are not effected.

  It should be said that we as a culture are death-deniers. We put our fingers in our ears when death is brought up. We do not want to admit that we or the people we love will die. We tell our parents to hush when they bring up their end-of-life wishes, and tell ourselves they will live forever. We avoid dying people, funerals, and talking about death because we can’t handle the truth that it happens.  

  When we find ourselves in this state we may not be able to logic ourself out of it – and if you see someone else in this state, you may not be able to logic them out of it, either.

  This is a phase that happens, but it is not forever. In this moment, hold space for yourself or others; people must feel safe enough to move into another phase.

• Anger

  A valid reaction to losing something that is dear to you, and possibly the circumstances around the loss.

  If you are experiencing anger and you aren’t hurting anyone, that’s perfect. Let it out! As in all the phases, the only way out is through, so don’t stifle your anger in an attempt to be reasonable. When we are in the midst of grief, it is ok to be a little unreasonable. Just be mindful of lashing out at others, especially those who are not responsible for your loss.

  It is important to note that the anger may seem out of place to someone who is not having your experience. For those of you witnessing someone’s grief manifesting as anger, if you can, allow them space to be angry provided you are not being abused in in the process.

  Remember, the phases are not linear and you cannot always anticipate when feelings will surface. Understanding this about yourself and about others will help facilitate understanding and compassion for our fellow humans.

• Bargaining

  I think of bargaining as a form of denial, and in most situations the trade you would like to make is impossible. Often it is with a Higher Power, a “take-me” scenario, or a deal that your changed behavior might facilitate a better outcome.

  There are some spiritual arguments for behavior changing an outcome, and there are reasons to believe in the power of prayer, but for the most part, bargaining is a tool we use to feel like we have some control of the situation. It helps us to explore possible options and offers a glimmer of hope, even if we know it’s not real.

• Depression

  When we no longer have the energy or will to attempt to change our situation, we may go through a phase where we surrender to it but it sucks us down in the mud. Our situation seems hopeless and it can feel like there is no joy left in the world.

  During this season, we may stop doing anything, even things we need for proper function. We can’t eat, sleep, bathe, or speak. We shun visitors and daylight so that we might be alone in our devastation.

  There are normal and expected levels of depression, then there is depression that requires treatment. When you find yourself in these dark times, it is sometimes helpful to remind yourself that it won’t be forever. If it feels like it will be, medical intervention may be necessary. There is no rhyme or reason for depression and no “snapping out of it” when someone suggests we should. Sometimes, it is just a place we must visit to honor something that feels debilitating.

• Acceptance

  Ah, the gold at the end of the rainbow. You have navigated the really sharp parts and have made your way to a place that feels sad, but peaceful. Here we have some control of our emotions and can contextualize our position – we are having a human experience that is a part of living.

  I am a huge proponent of acceptance, but I do believe we should start trying it out earlier, before we find ourselves in the middle of a loss. I also believe you can move in and out of acceptance throughout your entire life.

  It is not the end, although it can be, but it is a place to always come back to. Acceptance is home base. We should start there and if we stray, find a way to come back - then do this as many times as we are able during our lifetime. Some of the things we must accept in our life seem impossible, unfair or insurmountable and sometimes acceptance ebbs and flows.

  Acceptance doesn’t mean we stop growing or learning, in fact acceptance can be the catalyst for growth. Ask yourself these questions:

  “I accept this has happened, how then might I use it to live better?”

  “How might I use it to help others? How do I use it to frame my own mortality?”

• Meaning

  Proposed by Kubler-Ross as a sixth stage of grief. It is where we try to make it all make sense. What have we lost and why did we have it in the first place? What have we learned through the experience of having and losing? It is what happens after we have made peace with reality through acceptance, and are ready to take what we have learned and make it work for us.

  I encourage everyone to document your “meaning” or make it visible or present in some way that works for you. By reminding yourself of what you have learned, you will have some “whys” to hang on to if you ever find yourself slipping out of acceptance into something else.

• Creation

  My own addition related to meaning; this is us doing something with the lesson. The books, the poetry, the art, the new businesses, the new friendship and the new hobbies. Grief is powerful fertilizer for creativity. We can take our pain and turn it into art, and I am willing to bet you have seen or otherwise experienced some beautiful things which came as a result of someone’s world being turned upside down.

There are other stages, states, phases etc. and each person is going to have an individual experience. The important thing is for us to be aware, to notice and to see all feelings as valid, including the feelings of others.

I will close by saying these states are not limited to the loss of a person - any loss may cause grief, and we would do well to remember this. It is my hope that in recognizing our own grief and that of others, we may be more empathetic and, eventually, change the world for the better!